Thursday, May 8, 2008

Hogwarts Here I Come!

If I could be any fictional character, who would I be?

No one, honestly. But where would I go, oh that is another question.

Straight to Hogwarts and the world of Harry Potter for me, without hesitation, to replace the Minister of Magic du jour.

Why, you ask? Is it my childlike sense of wonder at the magical world of J.K. Rowling?

Um, no.

It's because I see an epic FAIL sitting in the MOM office, and I would get elected Chief Mugwhump and Grand Hi Poohbah after the three weeks it took me to mop up He-Who-Dances-With-Snakes and all his friends.

How?

I cheat.

I'm a witch, in charge of finding and destroying a group of evil witches and wizards who follow a Dark Lord, but who cannot be identified. I mean, it's not like they have tattoos...

Oh, wait.

THEY ALL HAVE A BIG BLACK SKULL AND SNAKE TATTOOED ON THEIR LOWER ARMS.

DING DING DING, we have a winner here!

My first act as MOM would be a wizarding dress code- sleeveless robes for all! Hurray.

Blast targets would sure be easier to find...

And as far as that goes, where are the Uzis? And the bioweapons?

The hell with magic attacks- just put some Anthrax in the Malfoy's next salt purchases.

Laugh that one off, Snake-Boy.

Teach half my Auror's to do the fastest body-bind and disarming spells on the continent, and the other half to use guided missiles. Stick a GPS locator on Draco's broom, and bomb the estate into a crater from orbit. Non-plottable my rear.

I think I'd stop whinging about how inferior Muggles are about day 3 of a Death Eater panic, and start investigating the possibilities inherent in, oh, say, Severus Snape and the Goblet of Weaponized Ebola.

Can you tell I've spent too much time thinking about this? My husband swears they are going to find me somewhere in the British Isles, standing in a toilet and trying to flush my way in.

I say a girl's gotta dream.

4 comments:

Fat Angie said...

okay, yours is a lot better than mine. :P

-Amy Rose

Philangelus said...

Awesome!

But of course, HP was at first a children's series, and one of the unbreakable tenets of children's literature is that the adults who run the Establishment must be hopelessly mired in their own inability to think thoughts other than those they've been thinking for the past thirty years. :-)

I like the way you think much better!

anime-coroner said...

I totally agree! That's one thing I never got in Harry Potter. They're all on about how inferior muggles are, but we'd totally kick their asses. Wand vs. gun/biological warfare. No contest. I think I read a fic about that once. Harry wised up and called in the military to deal with Voldemort at the final battle. A few well placed bombs and it was all over.

Grinningcomb said...

I have to say my fav line was your husband expecting someone to find you standing in a toilet. I loved your post and think it's perfect.